By Rev. Patrice Joy Masterson, MA
I have worked with families in transition over the last thirty-five years in my consulting as a Reverend and as a Healthy Living Practitioner. I saw so many individuals who had lost themselves in their relationships and had to leave to remember their worth. Ironically, they had to leave the life they had set up to be able to even function in life peacefully and successfully. What is verbal abuse anyway? It is words that make a person feel less than, rather than words that nurture and empower. Verbal abuse can go undetected by those who are giving it, and also by those who are receiving it. So many times I heard statements like these: “Well, he never hit me or gave me a black eye.” “She has nagged and called me names so long that I’m used to it”. These people didn’t understand the internal bruising that was taking place from the words that ‘hit’ our consciousness. Many times the emotional abuse that these unkind, unsupportive words cause at deep levels lives to haunt the receiver throughout life.
You may have heard statements like, “I just said that; I didn’t mean it.” This may be spoken in an attempt to erase the wounds as if they never were never spoken, never heard. Yet, this isn’t possible. Harsh, hateful words spoken in anger tend to burrow into our heart and live on to haunt us. How many times have you repeated that exact sentence years later to yourself, or to the person who said the demeaning statement? There is an old song entitled The Way We Were by Barbara Streisand that goes, “What hurts too much to remember, we tend to forget.” Although psychology has proved that repressed memories hidden in the unconscious mind can cause anxiety and neurosis, the process of suppressing pain isn’t always the case. Sometimes it becomes the very thing we can’t forget. It eats away our self-esteem and can even immobilize healthy growth patterns in maturity.
When a parent uses unduly harsh criticism to reprimand their child, it can be as damaging as physical abuse. It can even cause a cyclic pattern of the child growing up and finding a mate who will treat them in just the same ways as their parent reprimanding and belittling them. I imagine emotionally wounding and destroying self-esteem was not the intent when a couple looked at their sweet newborn for the first time, or when they took their wedding vows all dressed in white. These are the times we make all kinds of promises that can grow cold as life unfolds. Why do we justify hurting our loved one?
Some people need to be right and need to win to feel their own power due to deep insecurity. These people will find close relationships in which they can spread their wings and basically beat their loved ones up verbally. They don’t recognize they are doing anything harmful, and many times those receiving these words don’t accept the devastating effect this has on their happiness. Guilt is the primary tool used to blame and shame in the process of verbal abuse. It desensitizes the recipient to the fact that it is a form of violence. This violence wounds the very essence of our being. Many times a verbally abused person passes it on to others. Rather than realize the painful consequences of this behavior, it becomes a way of life from generation to generation.
Do your words order, provoke an argument, or put others down. Do you accept words that make you feel unworthy and inept? Do you make critical generalizations using words such as never or always? Do you encourage and motivate, or do you use destructive words that tear others down? Stop letting other people define who you are. Self-love involves talking to our self in ways that are supportive, and no longer permit others to do otherwise. Standing up for yourself means setting boundaries and limits on what you will allow in your environment. It means setting a standard for the way you treat others and the way you let them treat you. It is critical to make your words mean something by following through with any action that you state. Take care of yourself and require others in your life to treat you with loving respect. Live in integrity and require this from others. Be true to yourself and honor the virtue of considerate conduct in the words you say to others as well.
[important]Patrice Joy Masterson, MA is a Healthy Living Consultant. She offers personalized and group integrative programs at the Harmonizing Health Retreat in Bedford, KY. For more information call 937-631-5581.[/important]