A Way with Words
by Rev. Patrice Joy, MA, Holy Fire Reiki Master Instructor
Words are the way we build our relationships. The words we choose to use basically create the ‘world’ we live in and determine if it is a peaceful or upsetting environment. Words are important because they aren’t usually forgotten by the person who received them. If they are haphazardly throw out from the unconscious mind they will be a projection of our repressed anger and denial. If the words we use are not used with care and thoughtfully spoken with respect, we will be destroying the bonds with important people in our lives. When we are concerned how our words affect others, we can build bridges based on compassion.
Bill and Mary came to me for couple’s consultation because they were having trouble communicating. Mary related to me her complaint with Bill was she felt that he said one thing to her and then changed the meaning of the words. He did this by repeating them without the anger and guilt producing inferences that he originally used in his delivery. In our first consulting appointment Mary complained that Bill restated his remarks in a different tone of voice which was much softer and less judgmental. To this Bill said, “TONE, TONE, there she goes again with the tone I am using and that’s ridiculous. She is just over-reacting about everything”.
Obviously there was more going on than showed on the surface. I could see their dilemma had to do with denial and defense games by both of them. He said one thing and she heard another. He stated the only problem they had was her over-emotional behavior. She felt his treatment was abusive because she said he regularly used a tone in his voice that indicated he blamed her for his missing things and was disrespectful of her integrity and intelligence. She said he even accused her of hiding the things they normally used in the kitchen.
Mary broke into tears saying these incidences were mounting up and she felt as if she were under a spy glass with a hammer over her head. She lived in a state of criticism fearing she would be reprimanded at any given moment over things she had not even done. She sniffed through her tears as she said, ‘I’m stressed because I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Bill never listens to me and I know he doesn’t love me or care about anything that is important to me”. He yelled, “She always has to make me wrong and get in the last word”.
Mary angrily used her words and called Bill a paranoid, insensitive perfectionist. He used his words of hostility and said she was just blowing things out of proportion and never listened to him. He expressed he felt her biggest problem was her continual concern with his TONE of VOICE. Both were using generalizations with the use of terms such as always, continuous and never which blocked clarity and truth of the situation to be reviewed in a safe state of awareness. They were both pointing a finger to the other person instead of looking at their own behaviors that were creating distance in their relations.
I told them that actually there were no crimes being committed on either side. I had just heard a maze of angry, judgmental generalizations from both of them. Just because someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they aren’t listening. Just because one person acts with a lack of sensitivity doesn’t mean, they don’t love you or care about what you value. The words they were sharing were being controlled by old resentments. Both had to make adjustments to come to the middle road where they could start negotiations. Control had to be placed in the highest outcome and clear up the residue of their past experiences which were affecting them.
As we went further along in the private consultation sessions, Bill shared he had been bullied as a child by the kids at school and by an older brother. Mary had been criticized growing up and made to feel incompetent by her peers. Stereotypes and prejudices had guided the taunting they both received. They were both trying to prove their worth, became defensive very easily and resorted to illogical statements and hurtful, critical verbal slurs. They both quoted other people in their debates. For example sayings such as these are a rationalization for lack of responsibility and respect in a person’s choice of words:
My mother always said that actions speak louder than words.
You know I show my love by what I do, and not by what I say.
Words don’t mean that much to me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
I asked both Bill and Mary to challenge the validity of these sayings that people had repeated for generations. I asked if these old stereotyped beliefs were opening communication in their relationship. I challenged them to value the integrity of all words and commitments in the power of the spoken word. I advised them to let go of talking about what was wrong with each other and to avoid using words as weapons. They agreed it would be much healthier and more constructive to focus on the positive aspects of their relationship. I suggested them to consider the things you think about, you tend to bring about.
I quoted a famous English author, Alexander Pope (1688-1744) who said, “To err is human, to forgive is Divine. Bill began to accept that being a perfectionist wasn’t going to earn him the love he was seeking outside himself. H realized that he could love himself just as he was with all his good and bad traits. Mary was reminded of her values regarding forgiveness and she accepted she would be calmer and the relationship would be better if she could just let some of these things go.
Another famous saying that brought healing to their relations is this: “A little forgiveness goes a long way.” This means that just doing something nice for someone or smiling can make a big difference in their whole day and how they’re feeling. I explained that actually words do matter, for they are the walls that separate us or the vehicle with which we touch each other’s lives.
Kindness is a vehicle that helps us reach peaceful loving communication. Bill and Mary decided to practice the art of loving which is to give kindness. Each began to accept themselves and their true feelings as buried anger began to filter up and leave their interactions. They became more inner directed from unconditional love. As each one dealt with themselves in more patient ways, they became more tolerant and respectful of each other. They were more considerate of one another in the words they chose to say and found their intimacy grew as safety levels increased. They began to understand that the way we use words with ourselves and others forms the basis of all our interactions and determines the level of peace and joy in our lives. They also came to accept that one person can make a difference. They agreed to stop and think before they spoke saying to themselves,” How are my words affecting others?”
Realize that thoughts are words on another plane of communication!